Well thank God I didn't give up beer too. Who knows how long I would've lasted then?
With Day 4 beginning, it brings the end of the 3 day hump. Just like when I was quitting smoking, the first three days are the hardest according to what I've heard. I'm starting to grow accustomed to the void of the TV lit and visible from the corner of my eye from wherever I was in the room. But does it count when I can hear the TV in the living room? I would never put anybody out of there way for my own personal challenge but I still wonder if I am getting the full effect of this challenge since there's still so much noise around me. Even as I'm writing, I can hear the roar of the garbage trucks rampaging through my street. At least it's a natural Urban sound, as much of an oxymoron that is, and not a sound of mindless media.
Nevertheless, the shear amount of TV that I've cut out of my life is quite significant and it's really starting to put me into a different frame of mind. I find myself writing more and, as each day goes by, I feel calmer and more focused. Of course, this is save when I am at work. Work in itself is ridden with media junk but I guess when I work at a movie theatre, there's really no escaping that. There's always music playing in the lobby, and the sound of movie trailers leaking from the theatre doors. Regardless, I am usually stressed when I am at work, a common sentiment among others as well. Despite the blatant presence of the mindless media junk that floods my surroundings at work, I can't be certain that it is the source of my extra stress. There are many other contributing factors that feed that weed of stress that I would need a whole separate blog just to list them.
I've also tried reading to fill in the blanks. Reading has never really been my forte though. My mind has the tendency to travel in so many different directions all at once, it can almost feel like a cupcake with an explosive baked inside; at any given moment it will want to explode in many different directions. (mmm cupcakes) However, I am making progress, I was able to read a whole chapter before I realized I had read the words on the entire page without understanding a single thing simply because my mind was elsewhere.
One really positive thing that I can already say I've achieved is the realization that I am forever a student. I have this urge to learn as many things as I can. I started to reflect a lot and realized that growing up I was so concerned with how I was perceived and how the little things affect other little things that I barely took advantage of all the lessons before me. Doors exist all around us, but it's up to us to acknowledge them, and to choose which ones to open now and which ones we can come back to. I guess I never took the time to look up and see the doors that were up to me to open and now I am doing my best to see them around me.
I'm really trying to figure out what it is that inspires me and gets me motivated. I really need to get moving. Even if some situations seem like the most practical or the easiest, it doesn't necessarily amount to the right direction in your life. Sometimes it's exactly those situations that render us motionless. We sit there waiting for things to get better. We keep ourselves in a safe place until the storm has passed, but the thing about life is that there's always a storm coming. You can't let that stop you from moving on with your life. You need to go with what your heart has been pestering you about.
I admit, I've been keeping it safe, hoping that when I get a big-girl job and save up enough money, I'll be able to move out and finally get my life started. The truth is I've been waiting for that time to come and my patience is wearing wafer thin. I know that I've got survivor instincts, so failing is simply not an option. It's like trying to bike uphill; you have to keep pedaling or else you start rolling backwards, and if the slope is still too steep and I have to walk the rest of the way up, I will find no shame in it because I can always jump back on and enjoy the rest of the ride once I get to the top. It's all trial and error anyway and once I get through it I'll know my limits the next time around. I guess what I'm getting at is, I need to get a place of my own.
I just want to know what it's like to make it on my own, to have to depend on myself without a life jacket. I feel like if I get myself a big-girl home than that will inspire me to do big-girl things. I know I'm ready, and I know I'll make it work. Of course it isn't something I can rush into but I do need to commit to making it a short-term goal as opposed to looking at it as a "one day..." goal.
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